Never thought i’d miss…

I’ve never grown up with my father in my house. I’ve never grown up with my father closing the doors and going to sleep. He was never there for breakfast but sometimes,sometimes for lunch and dinner. I never thought i would miss these things i mean i saw him often had many conversations. My father tells me he loves me and his one motto to me has been “If you want something ,anything call  me and ask. If i can i will and if i can’t i’ll tell you just ask”
I thought this was enough it had been for a good 19 years. I never missed having my father living with us because i’ve never had it and his capacity in my life as we had always been satisfied me. This was how it was,how it had been and how it would always be.
I never thought i’d miss having him there for all the waking and sleeping, the eating and laughing til i heard how it could be,when my sister told me.
My father cooks,i never knew. My father dances but not with me. I’ll never be apart of those memories my sisters and brothers have “That time daddy….”. 
I’ll never be allowed or comfortable in my father’s house it is where his wife and his family lives. I was invited once or maybe thats not the right word  he brought me there once when i was little it was a tense occassion i never went back. We’ve lived within our moments but i never thought i would miss what could have been between my father and me

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Never thought i’d miss…

I’ve never grown up with my father in my house. I’ve never grown up with my father closing the doors and going to sleep. He was never there for breakfast but sometimes,sometimes for lunch and dinner. I never thought i would miss these things i mean i saw him often had many conversations. My father tells me he loves me and his one motto to me has been “If you want something ,anything call  me and ask. If i can i will and if i can’t i’ll tell you just ask”
I thought this was enough it had been for a good 19 years. I never missed having my father living with us because i’ve never had it and his capacity in my life as we had always been satisfied me. This was how it was,how it had been and how it would always be.
I never thought i’d miss having him there for all the waking and sleeping, the eating and laughing til i heard how it could be,when my sister told me.
My father cooks,i never knew. My father dances but not with me. I’ll never be apart of those memories my sisters and brothers have “That time daddy….”. 
I’ll never be allowed or comfortable in my father’s house it is where his wife and his family lives. I was invited once or maybe thats not the right word  he brought me there once when i was little it was a tense occassion i never went back. We’ve lived within our moments but i never thought i would miss what could have been between my father and me

Of promises and panic

I always seem to find myself in the very situations i most want to avoid. The inability to say no in the heat of the moment,this incessant need to please those around me even when i know its out of my capabilities and a detriment to my peace of mind. ” No i dont want to come. I haven’t the money to waste on this. Yes of course i’ll go with you.
No please please no i hate public performance all those eyes, my voice breaks I DONT WANT TO. Yes sure i’ll sing at the concert. No I dont have the money to spend today. Yes i’ll treat you again today. No i dont want to watch your kids. Yeah sure no problem i’ll watch them so you can go. Leave me alone ,stop asking,im so damn tired. Yes i can come and help with your paper Tuesday”
The end of these conversations at the earliest moment of solitude find me all but pulling out my hair, my mind a buzz with an endless cycle of “Whaddo i do?
Why did i agree to this” . You would think that me realizing my problem would break the cycle but unfortunately i am currently in the middle of one such incident as we speak.
God,im tired of this. How do you successfully break an instinctually response to friend and familial requests…
They make it sound so easy to change but when you find yourself in the moment all the steps and good advice are no match for that age old habit and lo and behold another bloody “Yes” . Save me from myself